The Art of Self-Care

When I raise the issue of self-care with clients often there is a sense of indifference that comes with this type of conversation. Sometimes it can feel that attending to one’s physical, relational and spiritual aspects are not considered essential for healthy living. Emotional and cognitive needs are perceived to be the work of therapy, yet the everyday tasks that fuel our bodies, provide the energy to move, give us the desire to connect to ourselves and free us up from the expectations of others are often dismissed as not important. Yet, this attitude misses a critical element of wellbeing, which is that everything we do creates an impact on our psyche, and it’s our choice whether this impact is positive or negative. Our inner and outer worlds are intrinsically as one and require a level of healthy nurturing in order to grow and flourish.

When we talk about self-care we are talking about any intentional action you take to care for your physical, mental and emotional health. Self-care looks different for everyone and incorporates what you do for yourself – not for someone else. Self-care cannot be easily defined as it speaks of a way of being; the cultivation of a healthy attitude and of knowing what is right for you.

The key point is that whatever is in your self-care kit is there consciously and with awareness. Some elements may include; how you manage your friendship circles, what you allow in your intimate relationships, your commitment to work and play, your relationship to food, the value you place on exercise, the choices you make regarding social engagements, how much time you allocate time to yourself, an awareness of your needs, looking after your health, and being able to tolerate someone else’s disapproval. Essentially writing the script of your own life. It goes without saying that when our personal domains are in good shape, we are better able to cope with the pressures, tensions, and uncertainties that life will inevitably toss in your direction.

It’s a common theme these days to feel run down, exhausted and at times totally overwhelmed by the constant demands on our personal and professional lives. In the mayhem of everyday living there can be precious little time to enjoy the very things we are working so hard to achieve. When this happens everything starts to lose its sheen. Joy gets stifled underneath endless chores, fun takes a backseat to duty, timeout gets stuffed in between deadlines, and finally we just stop showing up for ourselves, and others. The frantic nature of everyday life provides a false belief that we are not responsible for our lives or the things that are happening in our lives. Nothing could be further from the truth. When it’s all too much is exactly the time to stop and put in place new routines, new priorities and a new attitude. This begins with an awareness of the importance of self-care, followed by taking charge.

Authentic self-care is not a dirty word. It’s not selfish, it’s not self-absorbed and it’s not all about me. It’s the opposite of the narcissistic culture we see around us everyday. Self-care is a gift you give yourself, it’s an acknowledgement that you are worthy and that making yourself a priority in your own life is legitimate. Self-care is a mindful and considered approach to looking after yourself, and in doing so you will be in a better place to support those close to you. Self-care provides the gift of knowing when it’s all too much. It helps you sort out your priorities, establish boundaries and learn to say no. The bottom line is if you give everything to everyone else, you end up empty but if you fill yourself up with nourishment then there is plenty to share around.

Here are some are of aspects of self-care you may want to think about:

Healthy Eating

With the stress of the daily grind, we tend to neglect eating the right kind of food that ensures proper nutrition. Although it’s seems such mundane advice it is important to be really be conscious about your food choices. As a general rule anything in a packet won’t contain the nutrients you need to remain focused and on top of your game. Fresh fruit, fresh vegetables, sustainable meat and fish and plenty of water are the cornerstones of nutritious eating. Set yourself small, achievable goals to move from mindless eating to mindful eating. Even on very busy days set a goal to eat something fresh. Bananas are my fast food choice. If all else fails I grab a banana – it works every time. I feel satisfied, reenergised and know I’ve taken care of myself in the process. I had a client recently who was so rushed that he had no time to eat, and on his way to our session grabbed takeaway McDonalds! Needless to say this didn’t satisfy any of what he wanted –he felt sluggish and guilty. If this sounds familiar then consider all the way unhealthy foods are causing you damage and resolve to take small steps to alter bad habits.

Enough Sleep

There are more and more studies emerging extolling the virtues of sleep, and we now know it is one of the most important factors in a self-care routine. Lack of sleep negatively influences every facet of our waking life – stress is amplified, frustrations are more intense, tolerance is down, memory is weaker, concentration is reduced, the capacity to process clearly is impaired and awareness is numbed. Your immune system becomes weaker, and you make poorer choices with what you eat and drink. In short, sleep restores, resets and rewires all your systems from the brain down, so without enough sleep you start to break down. If you are not getting enough sleep then your first act of self-care is to establish a regular nighttime routine. Try it and see the difference – monitor your daily coffee intake, go home to a hot shower after work to wash the day’s stresses away, put your devices out of sight when you get home, replace takeaway with a healthy option, drink herbal tea instead of that glass of wine and before bed spend a few moments creating a quiet space, and then fall into a solid 8 hours sleep. Practise this routine every day for several weeks and reap the benefits – a clearer mind in a clearer body.

Regular Exercise

Exercise not only boosts your physical health but it also improves your mental health by helping to regulate mood, emotion and temperament. Exercise builds emotional resilience that assists in coping with stress. If you feel weak then you’re likely to respond to life’s events from this standpoint, if you feel fit and strong you’ll have more energy to cope better under stress. Even a small amount of exercise will help create physical and emotional resilience, thus providing a protective mechanism when things get difficult. Gone are the days when you had to spend hours in the gym, now we know that a daily 30-minute workout can be enough to build, maintain and improve fitness. If you’re short on time, or motivation download an app that will run you through a high interval workout, or explore the huge range of yoga apps available and begin a practice in your living room. You don’t require a gym membership, personal trainer or boot camp to get going. All you need is a commitment to your own self-care and you will find the motivation.

Boundary Setting

Do you believe that being nice to everyone, doing absolutely everything you are asked at work and at home, and accommodating everyone’s needs except your own will mean happiness and contentment for you? I came across this ill-advised strategy too often with clients whereby they are overly invested in ‘doing the right thing’. The very thought of saying no fills them with dread. Unfortunately if you look for acknowledgement, gratification and fulfilment from others you will be disappointed. Those who can’t say no or set boundaries end up burnt out, stressed, unfulfilled and often alone. Setting boundaries to balance relationships with yourself and others is a key barometer of your own self-care, and indicative of long lasting and loving relationships. Knowing what you will and won’t do for someone else helps build confidence, self-esteem and emotional stability – not the other way around. Being taken advantage of and not being able to voice your own needs will further embed you in helplessness and unhappiness. It can be scary stepping into the unknown space of boundary setting but by only committing to what you have genuine capacity for you will be that much more present in everything you do, and therefore actually giving more.

Self Nurture

Nurturing yourself encompasses doing those things that really nourish you from the inside out. Nurture is what we do when we love ourselves. Nurture is about being in the moment, being aware of what your whole self requires to feel engaged and enriched, and most importantly nurture is the giving of kindness and compassion to yourself. Too many of us are very practised at neglecting ourselves and never do things that provide a real sense of delight. Treat yourself like you would your best friend – take yourself out to dinner, tell yourself job well done, stand in the mirror and compliment yourself, run yourself a hot bath and light some candles, take a walk along the beach or buy yourself a bunch of flowers. Let yourself know that you are worth it. Even if it feels weird or uncomfortable take some time in your day to nurture your soul like you would a newly planted flower in the garden, or a delightful, playful puppy dog. Everything is a practice and requires commitment – nothing changes overnight but with intention everything becomes possible.

Neglecting your self-care can be a breeding ground for burn out, frustration and discontentment. This combination fuels low self-esteem, encourages self-destructive behaviours and takes us further away from what we truly desire. Lack of self-care encourages a negative cycle of thoughts, behaviours and feelings that are then played out on the stage that is our lives. Ultimately you are accountable for yourself and if you treat yourself right you will be rewarded with feeling great, energy to cope with the heavy demands of living, relationships that are unconditional and supportive, and a life that feels a bit freer. If you are struggling to cope with the demands in your life speaking with a counsellor from the Melbourne Counselling Centre can be a wonderful first step in establishing your own sense of self-care. Click here to book a session.