How To Guides · 05
How to support someone who is grieving
Supporting someone grieving is mostly presence, not words. Say you are sorry and that you do not know what to say, offer something specific rather than "let me know if you need anything", let them repeat themselves, avoid silver linings, and keep showing up in the months after everyone else has moved on.
Step by step
- 01Say the simple thing"I am so sorry. I do not know what to say." Honest and adequate. Grieving people remember who showed up, not who was eloquent.
- 02Offer something specific"I am dropping dinner Thursday" beats "let me know if you need anything", which quietly hands them the job of asking.
- 03Let them repeat themselvesRetelling is how loss gets processed. You are not required to move the conversation on or find a lesson in it.
- 04Stop the silver liningsNo "at least", no "everything happens for a reason", no timelines. These comfort the speaker, not the bereaved.
- 05Diarise the hard datesAnniversaries, birthdays, the first Christmas. A message on those days, months later, is the most valuable thing you can send.
- 06Stay in the second yearSupport collapses after the funeral. Being there at month eight, when the casseroles have stopped, is what people remember.
You cannot say the wrong thing as badly as you can say nothing. Most people who avoid a grieving friend do so from fear of getting it wrong, and the absence hurts more than a clumsy sentence.
If they are not eating, not sleeping, drinking heavily, or talking about not being here, help them get professional support and stay involved while they do.
Questions
Should I mention the person who died?+
Yes. Using their name is usually a relief, not a wound — the fear that everyone has forgotten them is common.
What if they get angry with me?+
Anger is part of grief and it lands on whoever is nearby. It is rarely about you; try not to withdraw because of it.
Related service
Grief Counselling
There is no correct way to grieve, and no schedule you are behind on.
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